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20/03/2008 | Moscow News,№11 2008

Bely Medved: A Club Above

Any Homo Erectus with a pulse who has ventured into Moscow after dark looking for urban adventure has probably found himself contemplating a peek inside one of the capital's many gentlemen's clubs.

So we surrender to temptation - or maybe boredom - and enter, feeling a bit like a criminal, or worse, a lecherous trench-coat pervert. But how else to beat the hard right angles of the city than by gazing upon the soft, magnanimous curves of the female anatomy? Even if you have no desire to touch the merchandise, to watch the gyrations and machinations of Moscow's sexiest girls is enough to make a lonely philosopher toss aside Nietzsche and contemplate more down-to-earth pleasures.

Okay, apologies aside. I am proud to say that the first club to get appraised in this column is none other than Bely Medved (White Bear), one of Moscow's most famous gentlemen's clubs.

A long-term address on Prospekt Mira, a hat toss from the metro station, this club stands out not just for its select cast of performers, but for an atmosphere that makes you want to stick around until closing time at 6 AM. The girls enhance their performances by fraternizing with the audience (men and women alike!), occasionally putting the couches through a grinding workout. Slip a 100-ruble note into their g-strings and they will move on with a coquettish wink (in case any women feel left out of this fun, the club also boasts ‘Couple's Night' every Saturday where the males shake their money-maker too).

Choose a plush armchair or loveseat on the floor, or get a bird's eye view of the action from a number of private, multi-level balconies. If you get tired of squinting through cigar smoke, view the fun from overhead video screens.

Okay, now for a word about the product. Bely Medved's girls are so hot that ‘Marina,' the nighttime manager, admitted that they lose about one dancer per month to gentlemen who return in the wee hours of the morning with diamond rings, flowers and declarations of eternal fidelity. One happily married couple still returns for a bit of nostalgia now and then. Although losing your best girls at such a rate could be bad for business, Bely Medved obviously has a team that is deep in the bench.

Now for a word about the phenomenon known as the lap dance. Personally, I think the thing should be called a wallet dance, because that is really all the girls are lusting for. Regardless of the club, the rules are pretty much the same. Here's how it works: One or two girls will appear out of the miasma of your stupor and ask if you would like to have a lap dance, while all the time playing with your hair. Killing off any sense of romance, you start bargaining with them as if buying a used car. The final offer: two girls, 1,000 rubles a piece, per song. Buyer Beware: It is almost impossible to say when a song begins and when it ends with two naked women dancing on your lap. I was billed 4,000 rubles for two dances because I had essentially blacked out from a wicked combination of drowziness, alcohol and sheer bliss. And if you don't pay the bill, your next dance will be on the sidewalk with the bouncers.

But I must stress again that Bely Medved is a first-class act, and one of the reasons so many girls work this club, Marina told me, is that it is safe and respectable. Although the prices may leave a major dent in your budget, the entertainment is something you will not soon forget.

Where: n Prospekt Mira, 116a

Hours: 6 PM - 6 AM

Cover: $35.

Before 9 PM, no charge

Tel.: 687-5822